Our time in Finland is coming to an end, again. I feel adrift, unwilling to travel, unable to stay, unfocused with everything that I should be doing. The early summer has been the coldest in 50 years, they say. Lucky me! Finland is really trying to freeze us out. I can handle the weather though, surprisingly. It's the cold muteness that I'm still not acclimated to.
I feel like an idiot trying to make eye contact with other parents in the park, co-travellers in the tram or even the cashier in the shop. Some people are warm and lovely, but many avert their eyes or look downright scared. I know what they're thinking. In Finnish terms, I'm acting like a creep. A desperate, needy freak, possibly mentally unstable. What people don't realise is that I'm not looking to make friends with every person in the street. I'm just looking for that tiny little acknowledgement that I'm used to. It makes me feel at ease. When people constantly look away, I start to feel like they are conspiring against me, or like I don't exist.
On another subject - when did leaving for a long trip become so dull??
I've always loved leaving, going overseas for an adventure. It has a special flavour to it, that half-scary half-wonderful anticipation. But when you're leaving a place where you once lived and going back to where you now live, it's not nearly as exciting. You know exactly what you will find. You old stuff, old routines and more cold and rain. I miss New Zealand friends, but I will also miss the friends and family I have to leave behind. It's bittersweet and confusing as always. I'm running against time, trying to meet everyone I still want to meet and do everything I still want to do... like buy a whole lot of Finnish paperbacks from op shops, find souvenirs...
We also have a little holiday coming up. On the way back, we will spend a week in Vancouver. I've always thought one of the best things about a holiday is the expecting of it. I love planning, online research and packing. I can't remember the last time I've actually had time to do that. Our holidays are often the unplanned kind - little layovers and stolen days in between life in two countries - life that is filled with non-stop work and social commitments until the very moment we step through the sliding doors of the airport. The best I can do is to book accommodation and remember passports. I'll figure out the rest when we get there.
I miss that old feeling of 'travel butterflies' in my stomach. How can I get it back?
How can you get it back? By staying still long enough.
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